My Lord the Pharmacist
by evilrabidplotbunnies
Summary: My name is Peter Pettigrew, and I approve this message. I hereby proclaim myself a gangsta. And there is nothing you can do about it.


My Lord the Pharmacist

Note: I was feeling sort of random and decided to write this. It isn't very good, but it was sort of amusing to come up with. I wrote this a while ago, actually, when I felt like I needed a break from writing "The Ten Labors of Draco and Hermione", my main fanfiction story. I highly recommend you read it if you are interested in funny stories, Draco/Hermione romance, and nifflers.

In addition, some of you might notice that I currently have another story on hiatus, "The Childcare Providers at Death Eaters and Co.". That story shall be updated whenever I feel like it… though it has been sitting there un-updated for the past… oh dear, eight months or so. I do mean to update sometime… eventually. And I warn you, my dear readers, that this story might not be updated very often… The only reason I've put it out here is because it's been sitting on my laptop for some weeks now, and I simply want to do something with it. I should also warn you that this story, like others I have written, is a bit pointless. The plot has not yet been made clear to me, and I write this partially for my own amusement, as well as the amusement of others.

Also, dear readers, you must believe me when I tell you that this story won't affect how often I update the Ten Labors. I'm not quite sure if I should continue this story or let it become a one-shot. Anyhow, I often like to sit and imagine funny situations that the Death Eaters get into, especially since the Ten Labors doesn't involve the Death Eaters, and I love writing about this interesting cast of characters. So, do not despair that I am beginning yet another story, unless despairing is one of your favorite pastimes, then by all means, despair your heart out all you want… Unless there's blood, in which case you should call a doctor immediately.

And, today, August 22nd, is a very special day. It is the one-year anniversary of my fanfiction account. Therefore, I thought it most appropriate to post my eighth story that I have written... err... begun. In this past year (not including today), I have written a total of 7 stories (3 of which are oneshots); 59 chapters; and 81,348 words. Yay.

But, I shall stop my useless babbling here. Onward with the disclaimer, and then the story!

Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and everything in association with Harry Potter, unless I am very much mistaken.

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Chapter 1 – Wormtail Discovers the Horrors of Hidden Cameras

"Wormtail?" Lucius asked one night in the church bathroom. The Death Eaters were having a meeting at a nearby graveyard when the two felt the sudden urge to "relieve themselves"... of maniacal laughter, that is.

"Yes, Lucius?" Wormtail responded while coming his (very few) hairs in a dirty mirror.

"Have you ever not wanted to be a Death Eater?" Lucius wondered.

Wormtail paused in meditation. "Yes."

"What did you want to be?" Lucius asked.

Wormtail scratched his mole reflectively. "One of those Muggle people, you know, the ones that dance around and sing and bop their heads to the music and make noise… What are they called?"

"Musicians?" Lucius suggested.

"No, more specific. You know, the guys who say words really fast to a catchy beat and then make lots of money and get babes," Wormtail described.

"A… rapper?" Lucius suggested again.

"Yeah! A rapper!" Wormtail exclaimed.

"But you can't rap!" Lucius said incredulously.

"Sure I can! Just watch, I mean, listen, and you'll feel it," Wormtail said.

"Feel what?" Lucius began to wonder, but Wormtail suddenly began to rap… Badly.

"YO YO YO, MY HOMIES IN DA HOUSE!" Wormtail screeched. It was hard to understand anything he was saying; his voice was so schreechy.

"Wormtail!" Lucius covered his ears.

"ALL MY GANSTA HOMIES SAY, 'WHAT'!" Wormtail continued.

"What?" Lucius stared at Wormtail.

"YO, PEEPS AND-" Wormtail ignored Lucius.

"WORMTAIL! Stop!" Lucius shouted. "That was terrible!"

"Huh?"

"You were screaming the words!"

"Oh, you're right; I have to play it cool." Wormtail ran his hand through his hair in what he thought was a sexy manner, except for the fact that he had only ten hairs, and his fingernails were very dirty and cracked.

Lucius blinked. Talk about life-scarring.

"You know, I need a beat," Wormtail said. "Here, let me teach you what to do!"

_Oh great_, Lucius thought.

"You go like this: boom pff boom squeaky squeaky boom pff cha pff pff boom squeaky cha-cha boom squeaky BOOM!" Wormtail made a series of screeching noises with his hand over his mouth. "Now you try!"

"Boom… cha… pff! Boom?" Lucius attempted half-heartedly.

"No, no, no! You gotta do it with attitude!" Wormtail said. "And what is all this 'boom pff cha' crap? Do it right!"

Lucius was about to comment that he had only been copying him, but decided to remain silent.

"Here, like this: BOOM PFF CHA PFF BOOM SQUEAKY BOOM CHA CHA CHA PFF PFF BOOM CHA PFF CHICKA SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY CHICKA CHICKA PFF!" Wormtail's head bobbed up and down, reminding Lucius of a bobble-head toy. "You do it!"

"Boom chika boom boom pff boom cha squeaky…" Lucius tried.

"No offense, Lucius, but that was just pitiful!" Wormtail criticized.

"What's with the squeaky's?" Lucius wondered.

"They were my own personal touch," Wormtail said, miffed.

"Wait, but aren't you supposed to settle on a certain pattern?" Lucius asked.

"Hmm… Yes, you're right. Boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, boom-boom pff …" Wormtail continued. "Now you do that and I'll add words."

"You forgot a squeaky," Lucius pointed out.

"Just repeat what I did!"

"But then it's not a pattern-" Lucius faltered.

"Shut up."

"But how do you expect me to shut up and keep the beat?"

"JUST DO IT, DAMN IT!"

"Boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, squeaky boom-boom chicka…" Lucius began.

Wormtail tried to clear his throat, but sounded as if he was choking. Lucius was amused. Wormtail began, "Now all you Eaters of Death, ya got really bad breath, and every Thursday you cook up some meth…"

"What's meth?" Lucius asked.

"Just continue!" Wormtail said.

"Boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, squeaky boom-boom chicka…" Lucius continued.

"You follow yo Lord Voldie, who's socks are all moldy, and you think he's cool but he's just an oldie…"

"How old is he?" Lucius interrupted. Wormtail glared at him. "I know, I know… Boom pff, boom boom-boom pff, boom pff, boom boom-boom chicka…"

"Y'all wear those hats and ya look like bats and ya got a tattoo to know where you at…"

"Hey! I don't look like a bat!"

"SHUT UP!"

"But how can I beat-box if I shut up?"

Wormtail glared some more.

"Boom pff, boom boom-boom pff, boom pff, boom boom-boom chicka…"

"…"

"Boom pff… chicka… boom?" Lucius stopped.

"…"

"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?" Lucius shouted. "You know what, just continue!"

"Whatever," Wormtail continued. "You suck, fo sho, you suck fo sho, y'all so lame you don't even know…"

"Wait, so am I lame?" Lucius asked suddenly.

"Umm… Well… You're my friend, so that makes you cool," Wormtail replied. "Now… Where was I? Continue the beat, Lucius, stop staring at me! Wait… Let's create a new beat; I'm getting sick of this one…"

"Pff pff boom squeaky, cha pff pff, boom boom cha squeaky cha, pff pff boom…" Lucius began.

"Voldie, Voldie, you're so lame, your stupid little combacks are all the same…"

"Since when does Voldemort have comebacks?" Lucius asked. "No one insults him anyway."

"…"

"I know, I know… Shut up. Pff pff boom, cha pff pff, boom boom cha cha, pff pff boom…"

"Hey, that sounded kinda cool!" Wormtail said suddenly.

"What? Shut up?" Lucius looked skeptical.

"Yea! Like this: Pff pff boom, shut up, pff squeaky squeaky boom, shut up, pff pff-"

Lucius looked even more skeptical. "If you say so, O Great Wormtail."

Wormtail wasn't sure if that was a compliment or if Lucius was being sarcastic. "Now you made me lose my train of thought!" Wormtail complained.

"Since when can you think?"

"Since last Monday," Wormtail replied casually.

Lucius didn't even bother to decipher what Wormtail meant. "Right… So what now?"

"Hmm… We should be getting back to the meeting…" Wormtail reminded him.

"Yea, you're right…" Lucius agreed.

"Nah!" they said simultaneously.

"Let's keep rapping!" Wormtail suggested.

"Hey, you're the only one that's been rapping! I wanna rap too!" Lucius complained.

"I dunno, Lucy, I don't think you're up to it," Wormtail said.

"First of all, never call me Lucy. Secondly, I am SO up to it!" Lucius declared.

"Then prove it."

"Yo." Lucius pounded his chest twice and made a gangsta sign.

"I can do it better!" Wormtail said. He pounded his chest twice and tried to make a gangsta sign. He ended up making a peace sign.

"What was that?" Snape asked, walking into the room.

"My gangsta pose!" Wormtail said.

"Since when do you have a gangsta pose?" Snape wondered.

"Since last Monday," Wormtail replied.

Lucius and Snape exchanged glances.

"Hey guys! What up?" Avery walked into the room. He spotted Wormtail's peace sign. "Yo Wormtail, peace out!"

"Whoa! He sounded gangsta!" Wormtail cried incredulously.

Avery stared at him. "What's gangsta?"

"It's… It's… This Muggle thing where they get into groups and beat each other up," Wormtail said.

"That sounds fun! Where do I join?" Avery asked.

"…"

"You know, it seems as if we're already in a gang…" Snape said slowly. "I mean, we are the Death Eaters… And we basically terrorize the world… Or at least the lower southwestern part of the Magical community just outside of-"

"Yea! We ARE in a gang! This is so cool!" Wormtail exclaimed. "I love gangs, but I never thought I'd be in one!"

"Wormtail, how stupid are you?" Lucius remarked. "No, don't answer that."

"Why not?" Wormtail asked.

"…"

"I rest my case," Lucius said.

"Wait," Wormtail said slowly. "Are you saying that I'm dumb?"

"Yes."

"I'll have you know, I've been smart since last Monday!" Wormtail declared.

"D'you wanna tell us what's up with this whole 'last Monday' thing?" Lucius asked.

"Last Monday, I went up to the Dark Lord to give him his coffee, and I casually suggested that all the Death Eaters should agree on this secret hand signal!" Wormtail explained happily.

"Why?" Snape asked.

"Because we're just that cool," Wormtail replied.

"And, lemme guess, the Dark Lord crucio'd you to hell and back," Avery said.

"No, actually, he asked me what kind of secret hand signal I had in mind," Wormtail said.

"And what did you tell him?" Lucius said dangerously, knowing what would come next.

"I suggested to him the gangsta pose!" Wormtail revealed.

"WHAT?" Snape, Lucius, and Avery cried. "NO!"

"Yes!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"WOULD YOU STOP SAYING NO?" Wormtail shouted. "Besides, what's wrong with the gangsta pose?"

"The fact that you can't do it," Lucius replied.

"On the contrary, I taught the Dark Lord how to do it myself. He's teaching it to all the other Death Eaters right now!" Wormtail said.

"WHAT!"

Wormtail looked smug. "And then the Dark Lord told me that I was the most brilliant person he had ever met, excluding himself, Snape, Lucius, Avery, Dolohov, the Lestranges, and Rookwood."

"Like that says much," Lucius said. "He's barely met anyone else without crucio-ing them! I think he's developed an unhealthy addiction to that spell, which reinforces our humble opinion…"

"…He needs therapy." Lucius, Avery, and Snape said simultaneously.

"If crucio were a drug, he'd be a pharmacist!" Avery added.

"..."

"What?" Avery asked. "Why are y'all staring at me like that?"

"Let's just say that you're not the only idiot in this room," Snape said.

"Who's the other one?" Avery asked.

"Don't play dumb," Lucius said.

"I'm not playing," Avery replied.

"Well that takes you off the brilliant list," Snape commented.

"Wormtail, what else did you tell the Dark Lord?" Lucius asked suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing. But I did give him some excellent advice on how to slow hair loss," Wormtail said.

"No, wait, lemme guess, he called you 'brilliant'?" Snape guessed.

"No, he crucio'd me."

Lucius sighed. "Wormtail, Wormtail, Wormtail…"

"Don't you triple-Wormtail me!" Wormtail protested.

"What are the three things never to mention to the Dark Lord?" Lucius continued.

"I don't know!" Wormtail said.

"Harry Potter, his hair loss, and his lack of a nose," Avery, Lucius, and Snape chorused.

"Oops… That explains the string of crucio's I've been getting recently," Wormtail said.

"No, wait, lemme guess, you inquired as to the nature of his very ugly-looking nose," Snape guessed.

"No, and really Snape, you should stop guessing. I simply recommended that he use a hair-strengthening shampoo… And then suggested that he wash his hair… Before commenting that he had no hair…" Wormtail replied.

"Ouch," Lucius commented.

"Speaking of ouch…" Avery began.

"…We should get back to the meeting…" Snape finished.

"How dare you complete my sentence!" Avery gasped at Snape, who shrugged. "I am very well capable of completing my own sentences, thank you very much!"

"…"

"So how's the weather?" Wormtail asked cheerfully.

"…"

"I was only trying to break the awkward silence concerning Avery's sentence-completion skills," Wormtail protested as everyone stared at him.

"Sentence completion? That sounds like something you'd do on the SAT," Lucius said.

"What's the SAT?" Wormtail asked.

"Ooh, is it a test where you have to write essays?" Avery guessed.

"Sort of... Where'd you get that from?" Snape asked. "I thought you were dumb."

"Well, it IS called the essay-T!" Avery explained.

Snape smacked his forehead.

"It's a test the Muggles take," Lucius explained.

"They test you on whether or not you can complete your sentences?" Wormtail asked incredulously.

"Yeah, its like: 'Wormtail made Voldemort angry, so Voldemort pulled out his wand and said blank'," Lucius said.

"And they give you four answer choices," Snape said.

"Ooh, ooh! I know the answer! Crucio!" Avery shouted, waving his wand in a demonstration.

"AHH!" Wormtail screamed as he was accidentally crucio'd by Avery.

"Oops," Avery said.

"So… Right… I hear the Dark Lord is experimenting with Muggle items and using them to do evil," Snape said.

"Hmm… Let's go check it out; maybe he'll electrocute himself," Lucius said.

Snape, Lucius, Wormtail, and Avery raced out of the church bathroom and hurried to the graveyard.

"…And that, my comrades, was a demonstration of how we can use hidden video cameras to spy on others, as well as replay their hideous actions over and over to our amusement" Voldemort declared.

The Death Eaters were huddled around a TV screen and laughing. Snape, Lucius, Avery, and Wormtail hurried over to see what they were looking at.

"Now all you Eaters of Death, ya got really bad breath, and every Thursday you cook up some meth…" Wormtail's voice rang out.

Lucius and Wormtail cringed.

"There goes my job…" Lucius groaned.

"What's meth?" Lucius's voice sounded on the videotape.

"Just continue!" Wormtail's voice shouted.

"Boom pff, squeaky boom-boom pff, boom pff, squeaky boom-boom chicka…" Lucius's voice continued.

"Why does my voice sound so high on that videotape?" Lucius wondered.

"You follow yo Lord Voldie, who's socks are all moldy, and you think he's cool but he's just an oldie…"

The other Death Eaters were roaring with laughter.

Wormtail sensed a crucio coming on.

"How old is he?" Lucius's voice interrupted. "I know, I know… Boom pff, boom boom-boom pff, boom pff, boom boom-boom chicka…"

Lucius smacked his forehead. He was getting fired.

"Y'all wear those hats and ya look like bats and ya got a tattoo to know where you at…"

"Hey! I don't look like a bat!" Lucius's voice protested.

The Death Eaters laughed as they watched Lucius and Wormtail argue.

"You suck, fo sho, you suck fo sho, y'all so lame you don't even know…" Wormtail continued rapping on the TV screen.

Wormtail cringed at the "lame" comment.

The Death Eaters eyed Wormtail, who whimpered.

Suddenly, everything went black, on the TV screen, that is.

"Hey, what happened?" Avery asked. "I was watching that!"

" I turned it off!" Voldemort snapped.

Avery cowered under the Dark Lord's glare.

"Lucius and Wormtail!" Voldemort bellowed.

"My lord, forgive me, I was only-" Lucius began.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort commanded.

"Wormtail started it!" Lucius said hurriedly before shutting up.

"Wormtail…" Voldemort said dangerously.

"Yes, my lord?" Wormtail squeaked.

"I have one word for you," Voldemort said, looking Wormtail in the eye.

"Betcha five galleons it's 'crucio'," Avery whispered to Snape.

Wormtail whimpered as Voldemort advanced upon him.

"Brilliant."

"…" The Death Eaters were shocked into silence by Voldemort's "word", until…

"You owe me five galleons."

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Note: It would be nice of you to review, but even nicer of you to give me two slices of pie topped with whipped cream, a Starbucks frappuccino (strawberry-crème flavored), a bag of skittles, and a bottle of long-lasting pink nail polish for a friend whose color most certainly is not pink. (I'd say the person's color is more of a red or fuchsia, but hey, why listen to me?) Therefore, reviewing is obviously easier, and I would appreciate it more than attempting to give me fattening foods (shame on you!).


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